Breaking the Binds that Hold
by sumeragi-san
Summary: Subaru has to make a choice in order to learn to live between yin and yang, and does that include forgiveness? Sei/Sub post vol. 18 CH. 5 up!
1. Prologue Cruelty of Fate

**Breaking the Binds that Hold**  
Written by **Jeldi**  
  
**Series:** X/Tokyo Babylon  
**Pairing:** S/S and possibly implied S/K  
**Rating:** PG-13 (just to be safe)  


This is my first fanfic to make it to its first completed chapter. Please R/R.  


This fic contains spoilers up through volume 17 of X and also Tokyo Babylon. It also contains references to shounen-ai relationships (male/male relationships), so if you are not into that or are underage, do not read any further. Any flames as to this will be ignored.

Disclaimer: As everyone knows by this point, Subaru and Seishirou do not belong to anyone but CLAMP. The closest we can get is the cute UFO plush dolls. This is just for entertainment and I am not making any profit, so don't sue – after all, you would end up with approximately 500 yen and some stale Peeps (have to love those sugary marshmallow things ^^).

**Prologue – Cruelty of Fate**  
  


Night in Tokyo was never truly considered night – Tokyo was a city that never slept. The ever-present neon lights illuminated the winter sky, creating an illusion of a false day. Every day, the populace went on about their business, completely oblivious to the impending apocalypse. A comment on the weather would float on the breeze; and then another about life's whims. People went on about their day to day lives without any fear of the future and no regret of the past.

Even in the dark of night, many frequented the streets of Tokyo, taking in the beauty of those lights and liveliness. There were places, however, that the light did not touch; places that seemed to exist in a world of their own, away from the sounds and sights that defined the metropolis. The grounds of Ueno Park were one of these places. The quiet atmosphere set the park off from the world around it; the paths through the sakura trees undisturbed in the chill of the winter night.

Even without an audience of admirers the sakura within the grounds held beauty; especially a magnificent, age-old tree eternally in bloom. Even in the dead of winter, the branches continued to drop petals, littering the ground in a carpet of light pink. Those that had noticed the blooming branches and stopped to ponder the reason attributed it to something as simple as a mishap of nature, yet the true reason for its ever-blooming state was never realized. Those individuals, looking up into the branches, never thought of the corpses buried beneath the roots or of the spirits bound within the bough of the tree. Such was the state of society, looking only at day to day concerns; never concerned about anything outside of their sphere of influence.

Likewise, no one would notice the two forms that coalesced beside the tree. Only one trained as an onmyouji would have perceived the forms staring forlornly at the tree, would have seen the sadness in the eyes of one and a glimpse of regret in the eyes of the other. A slight breeze picked blossoms from their homes and left them falling through their incorporeal silhouettes.

"We meet again, Hokuto-chan, though not under the circumstances you might have wished."

There was a long pause, and then in an uncharacteristic voice the light tone responded, "Sei-chan, I have to ask…why did you invoke the spell?"

"It was a catalyst for the inevitable. For centuries it has been the way of the Sakurazukamori; to be killed by the one you love." Seishirou sighed; recalled the shocked look Subaru had had the day he had been killed by Subaru's hands. "Subaru-kun would not have killed me on his own…he doesn't have the heart to kill anyone."

"But now he doesn't have the heart for anything any more", Hokuto accused, pointing a finger at him, eyes filled with subtle anger. "You've caused him to suffer again, you know. Is that what you wanted?"

"Pain heals over time. Subaru-kun's wounds might never completely heal, but he will survive."

Another pause, the silence so thick that the sakura could almost be heard raining down to the ground. "My only wish was for you both to continue living; regardless of whether or not you two reconciled the past", Hokuto admitted, "Even though your existence brought him pain, your death has brought even more."

"I don't regret the pain I've caused. Regret is something I am only starting to learn. I lived so many years by the tenet of the Sakurazukamori, that I denied feelings that I knew to be genuine. In many respects, those feelings are still new to me." Seishirou watched as the breeze snatched a blossom from it's resting place on a branch, the petals swirling away into the night. "The only thing that I do know I regret is the onus I have placed on Subaru."

"As the new Sakurazukamori?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you let the Sakurazukamori's line end? Why did Subaru have to become the next", Hokuto asked, the sadness returning to grace her features.

"I did not force the position on him; that was his own choice." Seishirou made an unconscious motion to rest his hand on the tree's trunk. "I admit that it was a selfish request that Subaru-kun replace his lost eye with mine. I expected him to refuse the offer."

Seishirou paused, an indefinable emotion visible for a split second in his eyes. "The succession of the Sakurazukamori is supposed to be instantaneous. Giving Subaru a choice might have been my reconciliation for the past."

Hokuto looked at Seishirou in surprise, not believing that the Sakurazukamori could so readily admit to being merciful. Seishirou seemed to notice her disbelief and continued.

"I cast the spell on that eye before the battle at Rainbow Bridge. The eye retained the powers of the tree at my death, living on as an extension of myself within that enchanted box. That was the sole reason that Subaru-kun did not become the Sakurazukamori immediately."

"Is that why there was the weakening in the tree's binding spell that allowed me to escape?" Looking at the tree, she shivered in remembrance of her nine long years bound within its core.

"It has never happened before, but I presume that you are correct. It is also the reason that I am not bound to the tree along with the spirits of those I killed."

Eyes hardening, Hokuto turned her gaze from the tree to Seishirou. "But what of Subaru now? What will he do now that he _is_ the Sakurazukamori?"

Seishirou sighed. "The tree has already begun calling out to him. As its need for fresh blood grows, its influence will become stronger and Subaru-kun will be forced to assume the role of Sakurazukamori for real." 

"Subaru can't do that!" Hokuto replied, appalled at the thought, "Having to kill, having to go against the family training…it would tear apart the little bit of his life that hasn't changed." 

"Hokuto-chan, being from the Sumeragi family, you should check the current events. The family knows Subaru-kun is now the Sakurazukamori, and has renounced his claim to the title of thirteenth head. If not for the former head's warning, Subaru-kun might have lost his life as well."

"Grandmother warned him that the family had turned against him? But, that means that he's…", Hokuto trailed off, horrified at the revelation.

"Not part of the Sumeragi clan onmyouji, yes…and since he has inherited the Sakurazukamori's powers, he is the enemy of the clan."

"You're joking, right? There aren't any other qualified heirs for this generation! That means the responsibility falls back to the previous head!" Hokuto shook her head, eyes wide with disbelief. "How could she do that, fighting against her own grandchild?"

"You ask questions to which I do not have the answers, Hokuto-chan. Destiny has a strange way of working its own way out. All we can do is be patient and see what comes from all of this."

"But Subaru looks so hard into the past, and he's lost everything that tied him to that life", Hokuto stated, the expression on her face belying the tears that her spirit could not shed. "How can he throw away all he has known for something he has spent his life fearing?" She looked as if she was about to march straight to where Subaru resided. Even death did not seem to stop her overprotective nature for her twin.

Resting an incorporeal hand on her shoulder he restrained her from doing just that. "That is his decision to make. No one else can make that choice for him. He must choose a path…and fate has decreed that he must walk it alone. For that reason, we can not appear before him, as much we might wish to."

"That's so unfair." She threw her hands down in defeat.

"Life _is_ unfair Hokuto-chan. But humans survive regardless. Subaru-kun will find a balance between yin and yang. Perhaps he might even find happiness again."

Looking at Seishirou, but not quiet believing his optimistic statement, she sighed. "I hope you're right, Sei-chan. I really hope you are right."

Both gave last looks to the sakura tree and its cascading blossoms as they faded back into the darkness; both prayed that fate would not always have a bittersweet ending.


	2. 01 Deadly Influences

**Breaking the Binds that Hold**  
Written by **Jeldi**  
  
**Series:** X/Tokyo Babylon  
**Pairing:** S/S and possibly implied S/K  
**Rating:** PG-13 (just to be safe)  


Here's the next chapter. Obvious by now, this has spoilers up to volume 18 of X. Please review if you get the chance! They're good motivation (and maybe, just maybe they'll motivate me enough not to take close to three months on another chapter).  


Warnings: This fic also contains references to shounen-ai relationships (male/male relationships), so if that offends you, don't read any farther. Any flames will be used to make s'mores. ^o^  


Disclaimer: As everyone knows by this point, Subaru and Seishirou do not belong to anyone but CLAMP. This fic is just for entertainment and I am not making any profit, so don't sue - you would get around 300 yen (after all, I'm a poor college student).  
  
**Chapter 1 - Deadly Influences**  
  


Were dreams always so dark? For as long as he could remember, Subaru's were always dark. Was every person's dream just as dark or did it speak to the way he viewed the world? In more lighthearted times, Subaru had often wondered the answer to those questions; anything to avoid the dreams that he knew would come to haunt his sleep. His only answer to those questions was the blackness stretching out for an indeterminable length, threatening to drown him.

Walking through the darkness as if on solid ground, he knew this place only held dreams that had caused him pain. Most people sought dreams as a means to escape from the harshness of reality. Subaru both envied and despised them for the gift they possessed. Ever since that day, sixteen years before, his dreams never allowed him a respite from reality. 

He no longer liked his dreams. Most brought him painful memories of things he did not want to remember, but also could not forget…dreams of a bet beneath the sakura, dreams of happier times in Tokyo, dreams of betrayal. They left Subaru unbalanced and feeling a little lost. Whether or not they were a figment of his imagination, Subaru had known too many dreams to be potentially fatal to let them slip from his mind completely. 

Subaru morosely wondered which dream would come to haunt him this night. Perhaps a bet from the past; or perhaps his sister's untimely death. The dreams never left him. Or maybe his mind would choose to taunt him with the death of the only person he had held dear, the only one who could have granted his wish. If it had not been for Seishirou's own wish, Subaru could have well wasted away since even that had been taken from him. It was only his inherent nature of putting others' needs and wishes before his own that kept him alive to this day. 

As he walked through the incorporeal nothingness, an almost imperceptible sound whispered in the still air of the dream. The sound was coming as if from a far-off distance; the sound of dripping water. 'Odd. None of my dreams have ever begun in this way,' he thought, a sense of both foreboding and curiosity gripping his mind. His intuition told him that he should flee, but something led him onward, as if calling for him. 

Following the faint sound, Subaru first caught a wisp of sakura on the air, and the tree soon materialized from the darkness, it's full blooming grandeur causing it to almost glow against the dark backdrop of the dreamscape. Small supple branches snaked out to ensnare Subaru's arms, leading him closer; like a child leading a parent by the hand to a treasure. 

Something in Subaru's conscious mind screamed for him to break away from the Sakura's hold, and run as far from this place as he could. What stayed him was the reassuring 'voice' of the tree urging him on telling him, "No, don't leave. Let me show you something, my guardian", and it continued to lead him towards its great bough and the source of the sound. 

As it lead him around to the far side of the trunk, his foot rippled a puddle that was being caused by the dripping. Looking downwards, he saw that the liquid was not the clear water he had expected. Rather it had the ruddy hue to which he was becoming too accustomed. He knew from then that he did not want to see what the tree wished to show him, started resisting it's insistent pull, but it still drew him along, that resistance doing nothing to slow its progress. 

The sakura drew him into full view of what it wished to show him. Despite his apprehension, Subaru could not avert his eyes from the sight before him. Ensconced within the gnarled bough of the tree, Seishirou's corpse lay like a marionette with cut strings. From one extended hand, the steady drip of blood continued, pooling at the base of the tree, staining its roots. The Sakura's branches gripped Subaru's arms even tighter, almost seeming to purr. "Guardian, I want more…I am hungry. Kill for me…Please…"

Wide eyed and shocked, Subaru again struggled vainly to flee the tree's embrace. It held tighter, the branches winding tight enough to cut the circulation of blood to his limbs. Managing to move his hand far enough, he produced several elaborately scripted o-fuda from his sleeve. Casting them one by one at the tree, they alighted to the bases of the branches holding him. Placing his right hand in a mudra1, his index and middle fingers held together and extended upward, Subaru closed his eyes and concentrated on the talismans and the power he drew upon for his spells. Channeling that energy through the o-fuda, he concentrated the strike at the center of the tree's presence within the dream. One clear syllable rang through the dreamscape, the single seed-syllable 'On' broke through the tree's apparition and shattered the dream, like a mirror breaking into two pieces from a crack down its center. 

Subaru woke with a start, jolting up from his resting-place on the couch. Gripping his shirt near his heart and shivering from the adrenaline, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply trying to calm his raging heartbeat. Reaching up to wipe the sweat from his brow with his free hand, he glanced around, finding his surroundings to be the living room of the Sakurazuka household, just as it had been when he had collapsed from exhaustion. 

'The Sakura's influence is getting stronger by the day. It's getting harder to resist its demands for blood', Subaru acknowledged, knowing that the dream he just had was no ordinary dream. As the adrenaline rush began to subside, Subaru was able to achieve a relative state of calm. Standing, he straightened the trench coat that he had not taken off and then walked over to the soji screen and opened it, revealing the garden. Stepping through the threshold, he looked out at the night sky, letting the cool night air take away the last vestiges of the dream. 

Pausing to take a lighter and cigarette from the box in his trench coat pocket, he gazed out over the simple garden and the odd mixture of camellias and sakura. Lighting it and taking a welcome drag to calm his nerves, he exhaled the smoke, letting the slight breeze twist it into intricate swirls. 

Subaru had not been sleeping well recently; he slept only when utterly exhausted. Only when he succumbed to sleep was he powerless to stop the Sakura from asserting its influence over him. He placed his free hand over his right eye, or rather the honey-brown orb that had taken its place. Ever since he had invoked the inherent spell on the eye, he had felt the Sakura's bloodlust present in the back of his mind. 

Pulling a letter from his pocket, written in the stylized script of his grandmother, he sighed. The tree was not the least of his problems. The clan knew what had become of him. This letter was the only thing that had saved his life; his grandmother's discreet interference that saved him from the wrath of the clans' conflict. He knew now that the Sumeragi clan considered their 13th head dead and the title passed back to the previous head until they could train a suitable heir; probably a distant cousin of which Subaru would have no knowledge. To go against the clan's decision and warn Subaru, she must have had good reason. Or perhaps beneath that strict and stoic exterior she had truly loved him. 

That was how he had ended up here, staying in the Sakurazuka household. His old apartment was no longer safe, since the clan knew of its existence. Seishirou had left a note there, tucked under the door…perhaps right before the final battle, stating that this estate was his so long as he retained the role of Sakurazukamori. Subaru sighed, as he took another drag of the cigarette. Looking out over the garden again at the sakura and camellia that filled the air with sweet fragrances, he truly felt out of place. Rather than treating the fully furnished estate as his own as Seishirou had intended, Subaru felt like a stranger who had overstayed his welcome. 

It was almost as if he were a stranger, even to himself. The person he had been for twenty-five years seemed so far removed that it felt like a separate life. He looked down at his hands, clothed once again in black leather. He could no longer look upon his hands without cringing, seeing the blood from the day he had stabbed his hand through Seishirou's heart despite the fact that that blood had long been washed away. 

He shivered not just from the chill in the air and snubbed out his half-smoked cigarette. Going back inside, he carefully placed the remainder in an ashtray and continued through the room. He needed a change of scenery, since the atmosphere of that place was starting to get to him. Moving down a hall, a small room off to the left, its door slightly a-jar, caught his eye. He had not noticed this room before, and pushed the door completely open, revealing a small library of sorts, bookshelves set against all four walls. 

The room smelled century-old, most of the books leather-bound and covered with a copious amount of dust. 'Apparently the Sakurazukamori did not have the interest or need of these books often,' Subaru observed, moving to look at the objects occupying the surface of the single desk in the middle of the room. Calligraphy brushes, inks and o-fuda papers were neatly arranged in an opened box off to one side of the desk. Next to that there was another leather bound book, the leather ties lying limply across the tabletop's blotter. 

Picking it up he opened it to a random page and scanned the text. It looked like the configurations for a sleep spell like the one that Seishirou used on him countless times. It appeared very similar to the states Subaru used to enter into a person's consciousness; the chant was only slightly different and recited mentally. Flipping further into the text, he stopped at the diagram of a reverse pentagram. He looked at the layout of the spell and realized that it was one and the same as the spell he used on the tree when he was nine, only the hand gestures were described in reverse order. He frowned at the significance of these diagrams. 

Realizing that he was looking at a dark onmyoujutsu spell, he slammed the book closed, seeing a folded slip of paper fall gracefully from between the pages to the floor. Placing the book back on the desk a little roughly, Subaru stooped to pick up the paper. Unfolding it, he immediately recognized Seishirou's elegant script: 

  


Subaru-kun,

This is rather abrupt but, normally, the next Sakurazukamori would be trained to some degree by the previous. As this is not the case, I hope this text comes of some use to you in preparation.

                Yours,

Sakurazuka Seishirou

Crumbling the note in a clinched fist, he tried in vain to calm the anger that went deep down to his soul. Seishirou had obviously planned everything; he hadn't left out a single detail. It was if he had expected Subaru to grant his wish. And as an added insult to his memories, the way Seishirou had signed the note stung; one last comment to taunt him. 

Dropping the crumpled note to the tatami mat, he left the room, walked briskly down the hall intent on leaving the place. Everything in the house seemed to lock him to the past and mock him in his future; from the garden's sakura branches swaying in breeze, to the discreetly placed book bearing the spells he had spent his life to that point trying to stop. 

He paused long enough in the entryway to break down the threads of wards he had placed on the house and to tear down the larger mandala-like2 talisman he had incorporated into those wards. Then, opening the door he stepped out into the brisk night air intending that he would never step through that doorway again. 

  


* * *

  
(1) - Mudra: one of the symbolic hand gestures used in religious ceremonies and dances of India  
  
(2) - Mandala: 1 : a Hindu or Buddhist graphic symbol of the universe; specifically : a circle enclosing a square with a deity on each side/2 : a graphic and often symbolic pattern usually in the form of a circle divided into four separate sections or bearing a multiple projection of an image  
  
Definitions copyright Merriam-Webster: http://www.m-w.com/ 


	3. 02 Good News, Bad News

**Breaking the Binds that Hold**  
Written by **Jeldi**  
  
**Series:** X/Tokyo Babylon  
**Pairing:** S/S  
**Rating:** PG-13 (just to be safe)  


Next chapter! Thanks for the reviews! If it wasn't for the fact that Fuuma was being uncooperative, the chapter would have been out a lot sooner! Also, I dropped the S/K notation since my inner musings have brought a decision about the ending details. This might be a little rough since I still need beta-readers, but enjoy this as a tribute to Subaru's B-day! 

Spoilers up to volume 18 of X, as you know. Still going to have shounen-ai (male/male relationships) reference, so if that offends you, don't read it. Any flames will be used to light my candles and incense. ^o^ 

Disclaimer: CLAMP owns X and the characters therefrom, and I'm just borrowing them for angst purposes. This fic is just for entertainment and I am not making any profit, so don't sue - my Tokyo Babylon collection is worth more than the money I have...unless you managed to get my college to fork over the tuition money I paid for this semester. 

**Chapter 2 - Good News, Bad News**

  
  


Glancing at the clock for the eighth time in ten minutes, Kamui wished that the class would just end. Sitting slouched with his chin propped up by his left arm, he looked back down at his textbook, hardly paying attention to the lecture. He felt that it was pointless. With the Final Day was so close in coming, he doubted that it would matter if he was caught up in his classes. Not to mention, it had already been established that math was _not_ his strong point.

The teacher continued explaining a formula that was going completely over Kamui's head. He sighed softly thinking it would have been easier if he was still tutored in his subjects. _Subaru..._ It had been well over a month since Subaru had disappeared. There was still no sign of the Dragon in Tokyo; the only answer Nokoru could provide is that in all likelihood Subaru was not currently in Tokyo. In response to Kamui's dismay at that answer, Suoh agreed to set up the CLAMP Campus network to scan the city for him should he return.

That still didn't tell Kamui where Subaru was...and that bothered him. Subaru had disappeared without a word, right after the battle at Rainbow Bridge. There had been no word, no letter telling them anything about where he was going. Sorata had once again called the Sumeragi household in Kyoto to speak with the previous head of the clan, and received only vague answers to his questions, the only definite answer found being that Subaru was not there.

The latter disturbed Kamui greatly. There was no reason that the Sumeragi clan wouldn't know the location of their 13th head at any given time. It made him wonder if more was going on than they were letting on and Kamui was getting tired of being left in the dark all of the time. Why did it always seem that he was the last to know everything, but he was the one that was supposed to decide the fate of the world? It seemed rather ironic to him.

The bell sounded and the teacher concluded, hinting that the material would be on the next exam and allowed the students to start packing their belongings. Abruptly roused from his thoughts, Kamui closed his book and stood, navigating his way through the desks and other teenagers. Making his way to the classroom door, Kamui was greeted by the over-genki face of Yuzuriha, little Inuki right at her heels barking happily.

"Kamui-san, hurry! Takamura-san and the others said Subaru-san is back in Tokyo!" Kamui stood frozen there for a moment, not quite believing he had heard Yuzuriha correctly. As his lecture-dulled mind processed her words, realization dawned on his face. He wordlessly pushed past her running towards the exit of the building. "Let's go!" she said, turning to Inuki and smiling, and the two of them followed closely on his heels.

  
  
* * *  
  


"Any more information on where the next targeted kekkai might be, Suoh?" Nokoru inquired, looking over Suoh's shoulder at the computer's bright screen. There had been very little information coming from the CLAMP Campus network and it seemed that Kamui was becoming wary of Hinoto's visions. The good news was that the network had yielded a little good news as of late.

"Nothing so far, but..." Suoh started to say as the door to the room was slammed open against the wall violently and a breathless Kamui stood like a silhouette in the doorway.

"Kamui...," Nokoru said, standing straight and turning to face the boy as he came into the room, "I see you have heard the news." 

"Rijichou, where is Subaru?" Kamui asked confusedly, looking at them both and then back to Nokoru, as if he had expected Subaru to be sitting there in the room waiting. 

"Actually, we do not have that much information as of yet," Nokoru said, indicating several points on the screen where Suoh just set up a display map, "Because of lost kekkai battles, we've lost many of our information hubs within the network. We must find bypasses in order to search and pinpoint his location. The only thing we can definitely confirm is that he is back in the metropolis." At that point Yuzuriha arrived, followed by an anxious-looking Sorata.

"Sorry, I stopped by the hospital wing to tell Sorata. He insisted to come too," Yuzuriha said, both of them coming up to stand on either side of Kamui.

Kamui was disappointed by the news, but he knew he hadn't given Yuzuriha a chance to finish; he realized he had been hoping for too much. Subaru was one of several million people in the city right now, it would take time to find him with the destruction causing gaps in the network. 

A hand came to rest on his shoulder, and he looked to his side to see Sorata smiling at him, though Kamui could tell it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Don't worry, we'll find him." Leave it to Sorata to be the encouraging voice even when faced with his own despair. Subaru wasn't the only Seal missing in action. Arashi had been gone for a little over a week and Kamui was sure that Sorata was not handling it well, even though he put on an air of normalcy.

Kamui smiled slightly at him and said, "Thanks, Sorata." Turning his attention back to the chairman of the campus, he addressed Nokoru, "Rijichou, is there any way to narrow down the possibilities to a list we could search by ourselves? With the final battle impending we'll need his help, so we need to find him." Of course, that wasn't the only reason that Kamui wanted to find Subaru. Not only as a support for their cause, Kamui relied on him because Subaru had been the only one that seemed to really understand and support him. Something perturbed Subaru enough to abandon the Ten no Ryuu, and if it was that serious, he wanted to return the favor.

"It would be easier to par down the list from where we know he is _not_. You might focus on places to which he has some relation; something might be yielded searching those locations." Nokoru stated, grabbing the finished printout that Suoh had generated from the database.

He handed it over to Kamui, who took it and scanned the list briefly. Looking up at Yuzuriha and Sorata he said, "It would be faster to split up and each take an area of Tokyo. Most of this list looks to be in the southeastern quadrant."

Splitting the remainder of the city, Yuzuriha took the northwestern areas, Sorata the southwestern and Kamui was left with the northeastern. Kamui nodded to Nokoru and Suoh, and turned towards the door intent on starting his search. Yuzuriha followed behind with Inuki padding silently by her side, as well as Sorata. However, the latter paused and glanced back over his shoulder at Nokoru questioningly.

"Sorata, we still have not found any information about Arashi's whereabouts. Please be patient." Nokoru replied to the unvoiced but obvious question burning in his eyes.

Sorata nodded and turned to catch up to the other two Seals, a look of sadness on his face.

  
  
* * *  
  


Walking through what had once been a lively commercial district of Tokyo, Subaru took stock of the devastation that had been caused from the battle over the Shinjuku kekkai. The place he remembered from his teenage years was now filled with a desolate air, the streets choked with rubble and dust. His apartment was far enough from the kekkai boundaries that he had never truly seen the results of the battle. The air lacked the noisy clatter of life; it even lacked the supernatural clamor he had half expected to be assaulted with the minute he stepped into the area. Perhaps, the people who had died had no reason to haunt the remains of the former bright, up-beat urban area.

It had been several days since Subaru had had the dream of the sakura's "precious treasure". The tree's demands were growing steadily, and Subaru had refused to succumb to sleep in order to avoid its cajoling influence. Still despite his best efforts, he had still been subconsciously drawn back into the city, a place that held too many memories, some good and some bad. He would have rather left it far behind, but something drew him back. Perhaps it really had nothing to do with the sakura; it could have simply been his emotionally masochistic nature. _I have decided on worse actions in the past because of that nature_, he thought, _so it is feasible._

Turning down a street that was less weathered by the downfall of high-rises, Subaru began to notice familiar features to the location. It was no coincidence that his feet had followed the same streets, despite being filled with debris, to that same building from so many years before. Facing the building that had once housed the Sakurazuka Animal Clinic, he had a brief flash of what the area had looked like nine long years ago. The street no longer thrived with the life of the city; rather it was a subdued and colorless parody of his memory. The building showed slight signs of damage from the battle's tremors, and its entrance was boarded up.

Not quite sure why he did it, he walked up to the board-covered entrance and pulled the boards loose. The boards were quite loose and came away from the building's walls easily; the movement disturbed dust from between the boards coating his dark clothing was powdered gray in places. Setting the boards aside, he concentrated on the lock, and stabbed at the lock mechanism with a single jolt of power. There was a click, and Subaru could swing the door partially open.

Stepping into the dim lobby area, he saw the place was much like it had been nine years before, save for the copious layer of dust and the occasional piece of furniture that had fallen over or blind that had fallen from the window in the earthquake tremors. Since the Sakurazuka clan owned the building, nothing else had taken its place. He walked from the lobby through to the main room of the clinic, his footfalls making an impression in the drifts of dust. Despite the hardships of the last decade, the rooms still held the aura of the trio; he could almost hear the phantom laughter of his sister at one of Seishirou's jokes, could almost see a memory shadow of the three of them sitting around the table eating lunch. _McDonald's... Hokuto-chan's favorite_, Subaru recalled, smiling softly despite himself. This place held so many positive memories, of times before he knew the pain of betrayal. Those memories dulled the pain, but the wounds ran deeply; nothing could ever stop the ache. 

A slight glitter caught his eye. Stooping to pick up a small dust-covered, gold-gilt frame that had fallen from the desk, he turned it over and brushed the dust from its cracked glass surface. Looking at the image held within, his surprise was reflected back at him from the spider web-like fractured glass. He remembered the picture, but had never seen it in the clinic before.

Going over to the window, he pushed aside the broken blinds to unlatch the clasp on the lock. The window was slightly jammed and it took a moment for Subaru to push it open fully. A slight breeze blew in through the opening, stirring the edges of his trench coat. Lacking the dirty filter of the window's glass, light illuminated dust motes in the abandoned room. With the dimness lifted, the shadow of the past seemed to lift as well.

Sitting on the window ledge, Subaru once again glanced down at the picture within the frame. It was a photo Hokuto had taken of the two of them at Ueno Park beneath the sakura trees, on the day they had celebrated Seishirou's birthday. April 1st, Subaru recalled, remembering the entire day despite the fact it was almost a decade past.

Hokuto wasn't about to let Seishirou's "birthday" pass without celebrating, even though she didn't really believe his birthday was the day he put on the compatibility test. Even now, Subaru blushed slightly at the plans Hokuto had made for the day. Without a choice in the matter, Subaru had ended up wrapped up in ribbons and presented to Seishirou as a birthday present, Hokuto beaming proudly at her handy work. All in all, it had been one of her more embarrassing schemes. At least, in his case it had been.

Afterwards they went to Ueno Park for hanami (1), and ended up picnicking beneath the trees, picking the occasional blossom out of their food. It was a pleasant memory, even though Subaru had been the brunt of most of the embarrassing jokes that day. He often wondered if they had joked just to see him blush.

A scuffling of shoes against the dust-covered tile floor broke Subaru's reverie. Dropping the hand holding the framed photo to his lap, he gazed impassively up at "Kamui" as he melted from the shadows. Silence stretched out as he waited for "Kamui" to reveal the intentions of his visit, though his wariness was not visible. Surely he wasn't just coincidentally out for a leisurely walk in this area.

For a long moment neither figures' gaze wavered. Subaru was the first to finally give in and while narrowing his eyes in suspicion, asked monotonously, "Why are you here?" 

Fuuma smirked, moving closer to the Sumeragi, but still maintaining a non-intimidating distance from the current Sakurazukamori. "Straight to the point...are we picking up some of the previous Sakurazukamori's personality traits?" When Subaru refused to even grant the quip a twitch of the eye, Fuuma continued, "The offer is still open. There is a spot for you on our side." Fuuma stated simply and waited for a response from the onmyouji. Subaru simply looked downward, shaking his head.

"I no longer have anything to do with the Promised Day. It doesn't concern me", he said, letting his gaze drift out to the street beyond the window. A silence fell that was so complete that, for a moment, Subaru believed that "Kamui" had left. 

Following his gaze out the window, Fuuma sighed and smiled slightly. It was a smile unbecoming of the "Kamui" of the Dragons of Earth, almost regretful. A smile that went completely unnoticed by the Sumeragi. "That might be the case. Just because you inherited the role of Sakurazukamori doesn't mean that you have to follow in the footsteps of the previous". He laughed then, drawing Subaru's attention back to him. "As that silly girl said, 'The future is not yet decided". At least, for you, it isn't. The only ones with set futures are Kamui and myself."

Subaru looked at him in mild surprise, seeing a glimpse of sanity behind the calculating gaze. It appeared that Fuuma had not been completely displaced by the presence of Kamui's soeboshi (2). But in the span of a breath, the sanity was yet again veiled as his gaze sharpened and he chuckled. "It will all be decided on the Promised Day...and the world will change."

"Whatever happens will happen. I have no interest in the end of the world," Subaru stated and looked away from "Kamui", deeming their conversation ended. He closed his eyes as he heard "Kamui" stir and leave, his laughter filling the air. 

After Subaru felt "Kamui's" presence disappear he opened his eyes and found the figures in the picture staring back at him, his younger self smiling wistfully and Seishirou smiling through his typical veterinarian's mask. 

_The end of the world no longer matters to me. . .but what is to become of my future_, he thought, his remorseful expression reflected in the multiple facets of glass. He paused and looked closer at the backdrop, realizing that it was the Tree. _That damn tree and everything it represents took the two most precious people in my life away._ "No more..." Subaru whispered, tracing a gloved finger down a wide crack in the glass surface. "Even if it kills me...no more..."

Placing the photo upright on the table beneath the window, he rose from his resting place, a new determination glinting in his mismatched eyes. He looked in the direction of Ueno Park, knowing full well what he set out to do.

    _. . . I'll make my first kill, Tree. . . _   
  


* * *

  
(1) Hanami - flower viewing (Sakura during the spring)  
(2) Soeboshi - Twin star (his opposite in the battle) 


	4. 03 Best Intentions

**Breaking the Binds That Hold – Chapter 3**  
Written by **Jeldi**  
  
**Series:** X/Tokyo Babylon  
**Pairing:** S/S  
**Rating:** PG-13 (just to be safe)  


Here's the next chapter.  Sorry this took longer than expected! Spoilers up to volume 18, yada, yada.

Disclaimer: As everyone knows by this point, all the X characters do not belong to anyone but CLAMP. This fic is just my mind run rampant, so don't sue – I've spent all my money on Peeps candy (and cosplaying for this summer). 

**Chapter 3 – Best Intentions**

At this time of the evening Ueno was a mixture of shadow and silence, its darkness broken only by the occasional muted lighting of the lamps.  The weather was threatening to turn to rain, the air holding the scent of a winter storm.  Overall, it was not a good night to be out searching the metropolis.  

Kamui had searched most of the quadrant of the city, but to no avail.  He had thus far come up with no trace of Subaru.  Beginning to feel hopeless, Kamui looked again at his printout noting that Ueno had been the last in a long list of futile searches.

He walked back along the sidewalk toward the station dejectedly, torn between continuing his fruitless search and returning to the safer confines of the campus.  _Maybe Sorata or Yuzuriha had more luck and they're waiting back at the mansion_, he thought holding onto the last shreds of hope he held for finding Subaru in the vast city.  Sighing, he glanced at a clock in a nearby storefront flashing half past eleven, knowing that he should give in and head back to the campus before the storm truly broke loose upon the metropolis.

Lost in thoughts of this vain endeavor, he paid little heed to his surroundings.  Momentarily the clouds were lit from sheet lightening, drawing Kamui out of his thoughts to stop and glance towards the brightness from his peripheral vision.  Soon thereafter, the thunder mutely sounded as if traveling a fair distance.  

The last thing I need is to get soaked on my way back to the station, he thought, shaking his head.  He made to pick up his pace and turned his attention back to the road in front of him.  He didn't take more than two steps before he froze dead in his tracks once again, focused on a single silhouetted figure.

_Subaru…_

*   *   *

Near the entrance to Ueno Park, Subaru stood completely still as if in meditation, focusing on his sole goal; not even the thunder of the storm broke through into his state.  After a moment he opened his mismatched eyes, his expression lacking even a single emotion.  He looked hard into the shadows within the park, knowing the course that lay before him.  Taking a step in the direction that lead down that path, he heard footfalls quickly approaching from behind.  

Simultaneously drawing an ofuda from his sleeve and spinning on his heel to meet the threat, he was taken aback to find Kamui running down the sidewalk toward him.  The action of casting the ofuda was subsequently halted in mid-motion, Subaru's previously emotionless mask cracked by a mixture of surprise, confusion and even a little wariness.

As Kamui finally reached him, he looked like he had run a two-mile marathon.  Out of breath from the exertion, Kamui had leaned forward with hands braced on his knees gasping for breath.  He was saying something to Subaru but it was incomprehensible through the gulps of air.  Subaru was torn between standing his ground and leaving the boy behind.  His overly polite nature took over and he took the time to tuck away his drawn ofuda, waiting for Kamui to catch his breath.  

Subaru did note that, since the last time he had seen Kamui over a month before, the sixteen-year-old was not fairing well.  Kamui's cheeks were slightly hollowed as if he hadn't been eating well, and he showed other signs that Subaru knew all to well as both mental and physical fatigue.  Having pushed the limits of physical health so many times in the past, Subaru wondered why the other Seals hadn't had Kamui confined to the apartment.

After a few minutes, Kamui's breathing seemed to even out and he looked up at Subaru.  Though he didn't intend it, the gaze Subaru returned was the impassive, emotionless mask of the Sakurazukamori.  Kamui first reacted to the mismatched green and hazel gaze with surprise and then confusion and slight anger.

Kamui straightened up, the implications of that gaze not lost on him. He vaguely reached out to Subaru, "Why?" A simple question, but so hard to answer all the same.  "I can understand why you left the Ten no Ryuu…but why this?" He reiterated indicating Subaru's right eye.  Against the scrutiny, Subaru closed his eyes to block Kamui's disbelief from his vision.

After a long pause, Subaru opened his eyes but avoided meeting Kamui's.  "This is something that does not involve the Ten no Ryuu."  He made to turn away back toward the park, but was stopped by hand on his shoulder before he could walk away.  Refusing to turn around, he looked downward closing his eyes again.  

Sighing in strained patience he spoke, barely above a whisper, "Kamui…I know you don't understand.  I'm not asking you to…but I must do this." His voice didn't reflect the cold distance with which he had originally greeted Kamui.

"What…fill the role HE had?  What is the point anyway?  He's dead and you're continuing to let him control you despite that!" Kamui's voice was building in volume until he was nearly yelling, anger flaring in his amethyst glare.

At the force of the accusation Subaru immediately tensed and his eyes snapped open, the emerald and golden shades reflecting both guilt and pain.  He spun on Kamui, breaking the boy's hold on his shoulder.  Kamui didn't anticipate the attack coming, as unexpected as it was for Subaru to lash out and lock his hands around Kamui's throat.

"What would you know?" Subaru shot back in a cold whisper.  "You think you know why?"  Kamui could do little more than desperately claw at Subaru's iron grip, gasping out Subaru's name.  The emotion flaring behind the mismatched gaze was nothing like the tranquil green Kamui had known.  It seemed that Subaru had changed into another person within the space of an instant.

In Subaru's subconscious mind, the Tree was cajoling him, urging him to continue_.  Kill for me, my guardian.  He shall be our first…_ Slowly, Subaru's conscious mind caught the threads of influence the Sakura was weaving and his internal defenses began unraveling them. Snapping back to the present, Subaru realized what that influence was inadvertently causing.  Appalled at his actions, he released Kamui pushing the two of them forcefully apart.  Kamui collapsed to his knees a couple meters away and stumbling back a few steps himself, Subaru looked at his hands as if they were foreign entities that had betrayed him.  Kamui was rubbing his throat where there were faint strangulation marks, his eyes glazed with disbelief.  He looked as if he believed the world had lost all reason.

Reality froze for a moment before the wind picked up stirring leaves and hair, played with the ends of their coats.  Another far-off clap of thunder sounded, bringing the world out of its stunned silence.  Subaru calmed from the adrenaline rush quickly and readjusted his shields, effectively shutting out the Tree's coaxing.  He then looked to Kamui, seeing he had recovered from the initial shock and finding a look of betrayal and accusation returned.  "Kamui…I…", he began as he reached out a hand towards Kamui, but halted as Kamui shrank back. Retracting the motion, he let his hand drop limply to his side.  Breaking their gaze, Subaru looked downward sighing, regret and guilt apparent on his face.

"I'm sorry, Kamui…if I don't do this, I might completely lose who I am." Subaru made to turn away, and leave the boy behind to the cold winter wind.  Facing away, he paused and as an afterthought, "It would be good to stay away from me, if the Tree's influence is this strong."  Not expecting or waiting for a response Subaru took a step away, the wind flaring his trench coat out behind him.

A stifled sob reached his ears as he walked away.  "No…Subaru…don't become the Sakurazukamori…" a whisper, almost inaudible against the breeze.  Looking back over his shoulder, he saw Kamui leaning over braced by his hands on the pavement.  The sidewalk between his hands was suspiciously spattered wet in places and if not for Kamui's unruly hair, Subaru would have sworn he saw a wet trail down his cheek.

Smiling gently, Subaru turned back and walked over to Kamui. Kneeling hesitantly he placed a hand on Kamui's shoulder, noting that Kamui did not pull away this time. "Kamui…you misunderstand my goals…"  Kamui looked up at that, unhappiness and lingering wisps of betrayal evident in his violet gaze.  Assuring that his mental shields were blocking his intentions from the Sakura's consciousness Subaru continued, "I will make my first kill, but I won't become the Sakurazukamori.  I refuse to become what Seishirou-san was.  Please believe me on this…"

For a long moment, Kamui just stared at Subaru, and in turn Subaru tried to convey as much reassurance in his gaze as possible.  As a teenager, he knew his gaze spoke volumes that he never could vocalize and he hoped it still did. Kamui was the first to break their gaze, nodding once with a slight bob of his head.  Turning, he buried his tear-streaked face into Subaru's shoulder.  Subaru sat there holding Kamui in a semi-embrace, letting Kamui come to terms with his choice.  While patiently waiting, Subaru thought back to the book he had skimmed through at the Sakurazuka household realizing that not all of the spells were intrinsically "dark".

After a while, Subaru nudged Kamui's shoulder slightly and Kamui straightened up regretfully and scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand. "I believe you, Subaru."

Smiling a genuine smile, Subaru concentrated on an internal chant as he remembered it, saying, "Thank you, Kamui."  After a slight pause, he raised a hand to Kamui's cheek continuing, "And I hope you will also forgive me.  I don't want you involved." However, before Kamui could protest, Subaru passed his hand over Kamui's eyes and sent the tendrils of the spell into Kamui's mind.  Subaru supported Kamui's unconscious form as he slumped.  Insuring that the binds of sleep were holding fast, Subaru gathered up the boy and carried him over to a bench away from mainstream traffic.

He then pulled an ofuda from his sleeve and chanted a set of clipped syllables, the talisman turning from a flat expanse of white into one of his shikigami.  Focusing his intent upon the spirit-bird, he enforced his will on it to guide the other Seals to find Kamui.

As it flew away toward CLAMP Campus, Subaru cleared his thoughts and without another look back, began walking deeper into the park.

*   *   *

Kamui came to groggily, his brows creasing over still-closed eyes. Not quite up to the task of putting a coherent thought together, he lay there for a while and let his mind catch up with his body.  He couldn't seem to recall what happened, and why he had fallen asleep in the first place.  The last he remembered was talking to Subaru in the park and then…a blank.

He sat up, abruptly causing his center of balance to shift from moving too quickly and making him dizzy.  Opening his eyes, he came face to face with someone that looked like a youthful manifestation of Subaru kneeling in front of him.  The only problem with that assessment, his spell-muddled brain argued, was that he had never seen Subaru make anything remotely like that expression in the time he had known the onmyouji.  Much more animated and impatient than Subaru had ever permitted himself to show in front of anyone.  Something wasn't adding up as he realized this wasn't Ueno and it wasn't Subaru. And despite the fact this was obviously a dream, it didn't feel like a dream. Placing a hand on his temples and massaging them, he began to wonder if he had hit his head when his lapsed into unconsciousness.

"Are you paying attention?" Kamui's attention was abruptly brought back to the present situation by exasperated voice of the youthful Subaru look-a-like, realizing that a hand was being waved in front of his face. "You have to wake up and help my brother before he gets himself killed!"

"Huh?" Kamui responded, still a bit lost by the situation. Finally realizing who this was, he just became more confused. "I thought Subaru's sister was dead…" As the rest of her statement caught up with him, he looked at her panicked, "What do you mean by 'getting himself killed'?"

She stood, and sighing impatiently she looked away into the infinite darkness of the dreamscape, her stare unfocused as if questioning the black backdrop itself.  After a moment she nodded and turned her attention back to Kamui.  "Yes, I am Subaru's twin sister and technically speaking I am dead.  But you should know from hanging around my brother that spirits exist!" Shaking her head, careful not to dislodge the burgundy beret from her head she quickly continued, "We don't have a lot of time, but I'm here because my brother is about to do something incredibly stupid trying to attack that tree and you need to get out of this spell-induced sleep to stop him. Even though I'm not supposed to get involved in his decision that doesn't mean I'll just stand idly by." Taking a breath, she crossed her arms over her chest, making a very disgruntled face and stated matter-of-factly, "And that is why you have to wake up NOW!"

"But what does that have to do with me?" Kamui asked as he got to his feet shakily, not quite following her logic.

Pointing her index finger right at him, she graced him with a look of disbelief.  "Are you as dense as my brother was at your age?  You're the only person that has managed to get past that emotional barrier he's constructed around himself! It is only you that he would listen to!" 

"But I can't get out of this dreamscape since it's spell-induced. How can I help him if I can't even break out of this?" To prove his point he gathered a small burst of power and focused it on a "seam" of the dreamscape, letting it loose.  It did nothing more than flare briefly before it was absorbed into the darkness.

Hokuto smiled mischievously, implying she already had a plan in mind.  Looking off again to the side, she paused as if communicating with some otherworldly power.  Colors slowly melted out of the inky backdrop, converging into the form of the Dragon of Earth dreamseer.  

"You…" Kamui started but was at a complete loss of words from this revelation as Kakyou walked up to stand beside Hokuto.

Hokuto grinned at Kamui's utter puzzlement due to Kakyou's appearance.  "You didn't think I got here on my own did you?  Because of that spell I needed Kakyou's help to enter into your dream."

"But…why a Dragon of Earth?"

"Is that all you can see? Dragon of Earth and Dragon of Heaven? There's a little more to it than that.  Let's just say I asked for the help of a close friend," she said smiling and taking Kakyou's arm in hers.  Her smile was reflected in Kakyou's expression; the sadness that normally plagued his features softened somewhat by the mere presence of the spirit of his special person.

"As I am a dreamseer, I might be able to break through Hokuto's brother's spell." Concentrating on the woven fibers of the dream, Kakyou began morphing them and picking them apart.  At first the dreamscape didn't change much and Kamui started doubting that it was doing any good.  Though after a few moments, the backdrop shifted from its black expanse into a muted, vague swirl of color.  

Kakyou sighed, his work completed. "You are free of the dreamscape.  From here you can wake of your own volition."  Never being one for many words, he simply nodded indicating his part was done.

Despite the fact that the one in front of him was an "enemy" Kamui inclined his head in thanks.  It appeared to him as if the others that were tied up in the End of the World were as helpless in this fate as he seemed to be.  There was no clear-cut black and white between sides.

Feeling his body starting to wake from slumber, the colors started to fade, taking the images of Kakyou and Hokuto with them. As his consciousness was fading from the dream back to reality, he heard Hokuto's last plea, "Sei-chan said that I can't help him, but that doesn't mean I won't try to bend the rule any way I can.  Please, go and help Subaru in my place!"

Kamui could feel himself nod to the spirit as the dream faded completely and he woke to the night sky blanketed with clouds back in Ueno Park.


	5. 04 A Balance of Light and Dark

**Breaking the Binds That Hold**  


**Written **by Jeldi

**Series:** X/Tokyo Babylon  
**Pairing:** S/S  
**Rating: **PG-13

Thanks for all the feedback over all the chapters thus far! Here is chapter 4, after a long awaited time! I still have a better track record than CLAMP does right now...at least it only took five months for this chapter.

Disclaimer: As everyone knows by this point, X and its characters all belong to CLAMP, but they _give_ us permission to mess with the characters so all is well with the world.

**Chapter 4 – A Balance of Light and Dark**

Walking down well-known dark paths lit occasionally by short bursts of lightening, Subaru felt the unrest and confusion of the Tree's presence creep back into the edges of his consciousness.  It had come to the realization that Subaru was not bringing it a body, nor had bound a soul to its bough.  Knowing he would need to be on guard from the outset, he pulled several ofuda from his sleeve.

The Tree itself was in a partially cleared area of the park.  Though not really a clearing, the trees were spaced widely, paths meandering in-between the boughs. Many people had found this spot the perfect location for a picnic lunch during early afternoons. Sitting under the shade in good company, the trio had often spent time together under these very trees.  The nighttime cast shadows across those memories, the paths devoid of the liveliness of those recollections. Subaru looked toward the far end of one particular path.

He started down the path as crystalline beads started falling from the sky.  The clouds that had been threatening a storm had finally coalesced, their tears softly soaking the ground.  Subaru continued onward down the path, ignoring the dampness that began to coat his hair and clothing.  The storm was an insignificant event in his mind; it was not something that would impede him.

The dormant trees began thinning as he progressed warily down the last portion of the path, ready for the slightest attack.  As he cleared the last row of barren trees, the Tree came into view.  To his senses, it did not appear to suspect anything out of the ordinary.  He did however sense confusion in the tree's "mind"; it was confused as to why Subaru had had a potential victim and ignored its call for sustenance. Being in close proximity to it he could again hear its coaxing, needy whispers for nourishment.  

_The status of the Sakurazukamori and the Tree is truly that of a symbiotic relationship_, Subaru realized as he approached the tree.  The Sakurazukamori gained additional power from the tree, but in turn was bound to the barrow as a servant to its blood-lust.

He stood before the tree, its presence permeating the area. The turmoil of anger and resentment surrounded it like a second bark, yet tangible to his only to his magical senses; the same emotions that had drawn him as a small child.  Its petals were falling to blanket the ground, though they were elements of an inherent illusion within which the tree manifested itself.  Though the tree appeared as if in full bloom, it was really like any other tree; it's true identity that of a barren tree striped of both leave and blossom in the depths of winter.  

Ignoring the docile attention that the Tree was giving him, Subaru cast out five ofuda at the bough of the tree in a swift motion, forming the focal points of his purification spell.  He folded his hands into an intricate set of patterns as he began his chant. The chant was long, and before he had called out more than a few syllables the tree began to retaliate, broken from its passive state.  Like all those years before, the defensive spell around the Sakura was still intact; built to resist the onset of magic that might threaten its livelihood.  

Lashing back magically, the tree sliced the ofuda from the air, the remaining shreds of paper floating harmlessly to the ground. Still trying to hold the spell until completion Subaru gathered the power and held the points without the help of the talismans.  Though this required a higher level of energy to maintain, Subaru persisted in holding onto the spell.  _If I can just hold it a little longer..._

His chant still going, he felt his focus in one corner beginning to fluctuate, the threads of power slipping from his mental hold.  The tree's presence latched onto that weakness and attacked, shredding the power balance further.  Knowing he could not hold the points until the end of the chant, Subaru channeled the remaining power from the offensive spell into a defensive shield, the deactivated ofuda drifting to litter the ground.

Though the shield held most of the substantial damage, it did not prevent it all.  The Sakura had been kind to him as a nine-year-old.  It had hardly used a fraction of its power then, as a nine-year-old child could hardly have been considered a threat.  Bringing its full power to bear against him now as a true threat, Subaru was barely holding out against the onslaught.  

Having redirected the power from the ofuda into his shields, he was draining his reserves quickly.  The attacks from the tree were coming fast, a continuous barrage of energy against a shield that was quickly starting to fail.  Various points had already given way; his clothing was showing signs of ripped gashes and in some places blood flowed from exposed wounds.

From his peripheral vision, he saw a silhouette appear at the end of the path.  Chancing a glance at the figure, the Tree took advantage of his distraction and brought a full illusion into existence, substituting the night-time Ueno scene with an infinite black.  The illusion had locked Subaru and this new-comer with the Sakura. The assault had become harder and Subaru turned his full attention back to the shields, bowing his head and visibly gritting his teeth against the attacks.

There was a brief pause in the energy barraging his shield. _This boy will do..._ _And if I must, I will do it without your help this time, Guardian,_ the tree's anger echoed in his head forcing Subaru to jerk his head up toward the figure again, recognizing it as Kamui. Again taking the distraction provided, the Tree sent a strong jab of power at the shield, causing his spell to fray.  Much of the Tree's energy was already being sub diverted away from him, but without his shields he was slammed backward coming to rest on his back, winded.  He shifted as he tried to get up, the movement causing bones to grate together painfully in his ribcage.

Adrenaline kept him from feeling the full effect of those injuries.  He mentally felt the Tree redirect its power to ready for an attack without its guardian's help.  As the maboroshi was the Tree's major domain, it was willing and able to take its own measures to meet its goals, provided that the maboroshi remained intact. 

"Kamui! Run!" yelled at him, though his voice was weak from being winded.  Subaru gasped in pain as he braced himself to rise.  He felt the Sakura's energy field building, reminiscent of the way a hunting cat crouches before a pounce.  Kamui stopped dead in his tracks at the onmyouji's call. Subaru intuited the instinctive reaction of the teenager to start running toward him, oblivious to the danger that action presented.

Closing his eyes and gritting his teeth against the pain in his ribs, he struggled to stand.  He felt the tree lurch magically; saw the maboroshi react and the tree's branches lashing out at the teenager.  Everything seemed to proceed in slow motion, as Subaru ignored his pain and reacted with the first thing that came to mind.   

Subaru threw himself between the tree's branches and Kamui, the impact carrying him forward to block Kamui from the blow completely.  Holding the boy's slight form to himself, Subaru took the brunt of the attack as they fell to the ground.  Two narrow, but deep gashes traversed the length of his back from his right shoulder down to the bottom of his ribcage at his left side.  Blood was staining through his turtleneck and trenchcoat and dropping to paint the ground crimson.  Kamui looked up wide-eyed as the onmyouji immediately braced to regain his footing. 

The tree recoiled, as if stricken by the action it had just preformed.  Subaru could tell from the turmoil in his mind that the tree had not anticipated that its guardian would interfere.  It was torn between attacking or not if there was a chance that its guardian would be killed in the process.  Taking that moment of distraction, Subaru pulled out five ofuda and threw them at the ground to form a pentagram shape as he began to chant.  A small kekkai came into existence, though it was weak and probably wouldn't hold out long if attacked.  

After a brief moment, his eyes came to focus on the distorted panels or air that marked the edges of the kekkai. Considering the layout of the kekkai spell, an idea started to dawn on his pain-ridden and battle-fatigued mind.  _If I could just alter the configuration…_he thought, thinking frantically to complete the strategy before the tree came to a decision.  

He felt Kamui get up from the ground behind him, as he pulled another ofuda out from his sleeve. _It is not impossible, especially since Kamui has abilities of his own…_he thought. 

"Kamui," he said as he turned toward the teenager, "can you maintain this spell for a few minutes on your own?" At Kamui's slight hesitant nod, Subaru held out the ofuda his left, and intoned a short chant with his right extended over the expanse of paper.  He handed the textured paper to Kamui, the power draw immediately shifting away from his power resources.

Ignoring the teenager's silence Subaru instructed, "When I say to drop the kekkai, rip that ofuda in half and get as far away from the tree as you can.  The Tree might try to attack you again once I'm away from you so be careful," he looked at Kamui then, a flash of worry in his mismatched gaze.  He saw Kamui attempt a reassuring look, but it edged with a fear the boy couldn't hide.

Pulling a set of five ofuda from his coat he brought them to his face and intoned a chant over the talismans, his breath whispering over the surfaces of the papers.  Drawing a second set of five, he recited the chant in reverse, in the same manner.  Trying his best to ignore the pain lancing up his back and through his ribcage, he stood tall and looked toward Kamui.  Aside from the slight fearful expression, he looked to be ready.

Holding both sets of ofuda in separate hands, Subaru looked from Kamui toward the tree.  He gathered power to him, in order to attempt the single thing that might succeed in saving both of them.  "Ready?" Subaru asked.  It was mostly rhetorical; he had not expected a response from the boy, and Kamui was well aware that it didn't matter if he was ready or not.  Subaru paused for a moment, preparing for his spell, then stated, "Now!"  Kamui ripped the strip of paper down its center, the kekkai fading out of existence as quickly as it had been constructed.  

The onmyouji sprung away from Kamui the minute the kekkai fell, clenching the ofuda tightly.  Once in range of the tree, he threw out both sets of talismans.  From his vantage, one set represented the five points of his own purification spell.  The other five, however, had formed a reverse shape; the star of the Sakurazukamori.  Those talismans, once cast, had turned to an ebony shade.  

Focusing on the strips of paper suspended in the air, he sent power channeling though the talismans.  His eyes fell closed as he began to chant, "Nami sanmanda kotana asokurou sowaka..."  The talismans began to grow bright; ten separate points of light illuminating the tree.

The tree started to retaliate against the spell once again, but its power was being drained as well.  As one of the stars was of the Sakurazukamori, Subaru was drawing some of the Sakura's power in order to perform the spell.  As it tried to break down one of the points of the spell, its attack would simply rebound from the sheer amount of power coursing through the ofuda.  

Subaru launched into the second part of the chant at once, knowing the first stage of the spell would hold firmly, "Noubou souanda botsutana gairaku shuubakuka nouhou..." A crackling energy spread out from point to point, the fully-realized shape of the ten point star forming around the Sakura's massive trunk.   As the second phase of the spell locked into place, Subaru felt the tree trying to draw back its power supply from its guardian's grasp.

Panic fell over Subaru for a moment, as he felt the power balance shift slightly due to the loss of energy.  However, before he could react to that panic he felt a hand on his shoulder.  Opening his eyes and glancing back to his left, Kamui was standing beside him an unspoken offer of help evident in his eyes.  The fear was gone from the boy's gaze; in its place was a determination to aid in any possible way.

Subaru nodded once, turning back to the half-finished spell.  Kamui was gathering energy to himself; Subaru felt that same energy being channeled to his own abilities.  The drain the Sakura had induced faded away as the power of the "Kamui" overtook it.  He continued the chant with a renewed vigor, "Shuurou shuurou shibaku tai".  

The crackling lines of energy between the talismans began to expand upward and downward. As the tree was engulfed with the expanding planes of energy, he continued, "Noubou souanda botsutana gairaku shuubakuta nouhou..." (1)  The energy reached its farthest edges and the top and bottom closed in creating a large barrier. Planes of electricity from before faded to the dull green shade much like the shade of his battle kekkai.  

The tree lashed against its bonds again, but the interwoven barriers held against the onslaught.  Much more powerful that his single purification spell had ever been, Subaru could feel that the tree was completely contained this time.  Every magical impact the tree made against the shield was not even perceptible to his senses. After a moment the tree stopped retaliating, intuiting that its efforts were wasted.  Subaru felt the tree "tensing" and waiting for what its guardian turn assailant would try next.

All else had fallen into the background of his consciousness.  He only saw the matrix of the spell, its raw edges still crackling with energy.  Holding both purifications in place by concentrating on a single hand gesture with his left, Subaru drew a single ofuda from his sleeve and held it out to his right side, intoning a mantra, "Shuku you dou".  The scripted paper coalesced into a shikigami; it's form neither that of the head of the Sumeragi clan nor that of the Sakurazukamori.

The pure white hawk perched on his outstretched hand, watching with intelligent eyes and awaiting its master's command.  Subaru brought his hand forward, the hawk bristling with the sudden movement.  Quietly Subaru intoned, "hikuu" and the shikigami took flight toward the tree's life essence.

Upon its contact with the tree, a bright light briefly shot from a cleft it created in the massive trunk.  In that instant Subaru dropped both barriers, the charred remains of all ten ofuda descending to the ground.  Following each syllable by a mudra, he intoned the dooman toward the spirit of the sakura tree, "Rin - pyou - tou - sha - kai - chin - retsu - zai - zen." (2)

Time seemed to freeze for a moment before Subaru's last syllable rang true through the silence in the illusion, "HA!"  

From the fissure in the tree's bough, beams of blinding light broke through, illuminating both Subaru and Kamui's figures in a radiant light.  The maboroshi shattered, leaving distorted shards of inky black hovering before they faded out into the real scene of Ueno Park.  Before him stood the real life manifestation of the sakura tree, though the anger and resentment of generations past no longer permeated the air around it.  It was no longer plagued with the souls and emotions of those that lost their lives beneath its branches.  The bare branches swayed in the wind and rain, as if silently waving and thanking him.

Subaru stared at those branches for a while longer, ignoring the rain that showered his face.  Soon though, his mind and body reacted to the energy drain the spell had caused.  His legs gave out beneath his weight; he heard Kamui calling out his name vaguely as he collapsed to his knees by the purified tree.  His body wasn't willing to obey his thoughts as he vainly trying to lift his head to look upward in the direction of the boy's voice.  As the pain and energy drain caught up with him, he started to crumple completely to the ground.  Arms caught him as he fell, cradling his battered body against a warm chest.

The world was growing hazy, an odd swirl of color with no cohesion.  Even the touch of rain pelting his skin was barely perceptible.  As he felt his consciousness slipping, he felt Kamui's hold tense.  The boy started shouting something at him. _Was he saying to stay awake?_ Subaru couldn't tell anymore.  A pleasant void was opening up to welcome him; a place with no thought and no action.  He welcomed the darkness that came with it.

--------------------------------------------------------

(1) As a warning, the chant is probably not 100% accurate.  I tried reading the kanji from volume seven, but I predict that I did not get all of them correct...try reading CLAMP's brushstroke when it is that small for yourself. ^o^

(2) The dooman in onmyoudou is also called the "nine characters", the set of characters that make up the chant that Subaru uses in his exorcisms. 


	6. 05 Fighting Tradition

**Breaking the Binds That Hold**

Written by **Jeldi**

**Series:** X/Tokyo Babylon  
**Pairing:** S/S  
**Rating:** PG-13

My track record is still better than CLAMP! That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! ^.- After five and a half years, I bring you chapter 5!

Thanks you to the recent review and favorites! You all helped motivate me to actually get this fic finished after all of this time. ^.^ I still have the epilogue, but the end is in sight!

**Disclaimer:** As everyone knows by this point, all X characters do not belong to anyone but CLAMP. I just wish they did. Boy's Love, shounenai, yaoi yada yada (depending on what you call it now)...avoid it if you don't want to read it. I take no responsibility if you get offended.

**Chapter 5 Fighting Tradition**

Ueno had taken on a detached atmosphere, the paths fading into nothing in the distance. There was no rain, no clouds. In fact, there wasn't even a sky to behold. Everything was covered in a muted fog, creating a surreal setting of grays and mist. Subaru's vision settled on this sight as he groggily came back to consciousness.

He was curled up against a split tree trunk, embraced by its roots; the same tree he had just brought to the end of its life. He sat up slowly, placing a hand on the trunk for support as he looked around. Kamui was not present, and he had the distinct impression that this was not the real Ueno Park.

The onmyouji rose from the protection of the tree's roots and straightened his clothing. He immediately noted that he suffered from none of his recently sustained injuries. In fact, he looked as he did any other typical day; no tattered clothing, no blood, no bandages. _I must be Within_, Subaru reasoned calmly as he assessed that he was not in pain either.

Looking out over the mist-shrouded landscape, the Sumeragi wondered at the meaning of this dreamscape. Perhaps this was a transitory state towards embracing the afterlife, a stepping-stone for his consciousness to accept the inevitable. Subaru had not planned further than the assault on the Sakura Tree. To live or to die had not been important enough for him to consider, as long as he reached the end result. Looking at the splintered tree, he once again rested his hand against it, feeling the rough splintered bark bite into his skin. But it was just the husk of a normal tree; no aura or presence remained to call out to its guardian.

It had been the goal of the clan for centuries to end the line of those ascending to the title of Sakurazukamori. To Subaru, he wondered if that had not just upset the balance of yin and yang. Light and dark; two sides of the same coin. But if you took one away, what was left? Perhaps his death would resolve the imbalance caused by his actions.

His reverie was interrupted as he felt the dreamscape shift; a feeling akin to knowing someone had just entered a room while his back was turned. He slowly started to turn and survey the false paths of the park. His eyes fell on a sight that made his heart stop. Where there had previously been nothing but a haze, two figures had coalesced and his heart gave a painful lurch, both in yearning and in sadness.

Hokuto bounced over and hugged Subaru heartily, spinning them around from the inertia of her flight; it was something he had sorely missed for close to a decade. He hugged her back just as enthusiastically, worried it was another illusion doomed to fade out as quickly as it had come. Though, within the dreamscape she felt as real as she had when she had been alive. Still, Subaru wasn't willing to believe this wasn't just an illusion conjured up by his overexertion and longing.

He faltered, but managed to questioningly ask, "Neneesan?" And as he glanced past her shoulder, he saw Seishirou regarding their reunion from a respecting distance. _Seishirou-san_ Their gazes locked for a brief moment; mismatched green and hazel against a piercing gaze from behind those ever-present sunglasses.

Their gaze was broken as Hokuto abruptly pushed her brother back to arm's length, examining him closely. Subaru furrowed his brow as Hokuto clucked her tongue at him disapprovingly; her hands dropped from his shoulders to come to rest on her hips. Her expression turn from joy into a pout as she addressed her brother, "While I admit that this creamy tan shade compliments your skin tone and the black offsets the lighter color...JEANS? 100% cotton?! I taught you better than that, Subaru!"

Subaru stood there agape at her sudden non-sequitur, her appalled expression explaining even more than her words. That expression softened quickly and she hugged him fiercely once again. Resting her head on his shoulder she said, "Subaru, what were you thinking? I thought you were going to die..."

He sighed and closed his eyes, not wanting to look at either of them as he replied, "It may be too late...and I have nothing left to live for in that world."

His eyes snapped open as the older man spoke for the first time. "It is not too late...yet," he said as he started casually walking to close the distance between himself and the twins, "You did, however, sustain heavy wounds from the Sakura Tree, so no one would question if you never wake. It is entirely your decision whether you live or die."

Seishirou stopped a few meters away from them, regarding the twins who now looked completely different with their incorporeal age difference. His gaze fixed on Subaru, who returned it unflinchingly, though Hokuto felt her brother tensing defensively.

She looked first at one and then the other, exasperation written boldly on her features as the silence extended itself into the darkness beyond their false Ueno. Charging them both with a stern look, she cried out, "Why are you acting like that even now?! I swear you both would make saints swear in frustration." Subaru ducked his head a bit at the admonishment, just like he always had when they had been together. Some habits died hard...

Seishirou looked toward the older of the twins, his only reaction to her accusation, and said, "Hokuto-chan, the fault is mine. He has very little reason to trust me."

Subaru startled, looking toward the older man with a slight shock, thinking, _ 'Seishirou-san is admitting...that he is to blame for something in his life?' _ A part of him wanted to hear it again, for that admonition was stirring feelings that he had thought long forgotten within; it reminded him of the person he had thought Seishirou had been. Someone who was human...

Someone he could trust...

And yet the man still acted as distant and callous as he had been since their meeting in Nakano.

Hokuto was oblivious to her brother going silent in contemplation, releasing him while pointing a finger at the older man. "You could have helped that, you know," she said accusingly.

Seishirou tilted his head slightly, acknowledging her statement and grinned coldly, "It's against my nature. Surely you both know that."

Subaru narrowed his eyes, while Hokuto just turned fully to stare him down with her arms crossed in annoyance. "Sei-chan, you could at least _try_ to make this easier."

He simply smiled in return, much to her annoyance, and replied, "That's against my nature as well, Hokuto-chan."

Dramatic as always, she shook her head, and as if it explained everything, said, "Men..." As she was about to tell him off for dodging, Subaru interrupted her, his brow furrowing slightly in anger, "How can you still call him that?"

With her entire argument caught in mid-breath, she looked at her brother at first in confusion, but shrugged slightly and tilted her head to one side, looking from one man to the other, "What, _Sei-chan_? That's who he will always be to me."

"Even though he killed you?" Subaru questioned disbelievingly, still not accepting that she could be so familiar with her own murderer.

Hokuto sighed, glancing at Seishirou, "Subaru, I asked him to for your sake. You can't let what happened keep you tied to the past." She taxed them both with a piercing look, "Both of you needed to move forward and neither one of you were going to take that step on your own."

The older onmyouji looked at her with a quirked eyebrow, and the younger glanced aside in guilt. "Yes, _both_ of you," she reaffirmed, her gaze gaining a spark of determination as she looked pointedly at Seishirou.

Subaru eyes, however, were unfocused as he was lost in tangled memories replaying through every meeting they had had after Hokuto's death. How many _wrong_ steps had they taken to make such a glorious mess of things?

_That's exactly what happened...  
A mess..._

_But if I hadn't fallen Within in the first place, you would have still been alive_

_And all of this wouldn't hurt so much... _

She cupped his face in her hands and looked at him with a look of compassion mixed with a hint of sadness,  
"Subaru, Sei-chan isn't going to hurt you."

"Why can't you forgive him?" she continued, delving to the heart of the matter within that simple question, breaking him from his thoughts. Nine long years and still Subaru needed answers coaxed out of his maelstrom of thoughts.

Looking at Seishirou instead of his sister, he replied with a bit of venom to his tone, "Every time I thought I was all right, _you_ found something to remind me of everything that had happened. No one else can see the wounds, but it hurts more each time."

Subaru took satisfaction in the slight surprise that graced the older onmyouji's face at his accusation. Though he had seen surprise before in the older man's face, this time he knew it wasn't just an act to be played out. Their gazes remained locked for a moment, though it seemed like an eternity.

Nothing broke the silence as it played out between them; not even a shift of Hokuto's ethereal fabric. She knew better than either of them how important the next few minutes could be.

A refined, masculine sigh finally disrupted the void.

"Subaru, I know that I hurt you, and I make no excuses for that. However, is that all you can think of when it comes to us?" he replied, still not hiding his reaction to Subaru's forward declaration. The subtle confusion in his voice was evident; though the Sakurazukamori had known that his actions were a means to an end, he had truly expected that the younger onmyouji would hate him for those "unforgivable" acts. Still, he shouldn't have been too surprised. Subaru's innocent, sweet and forgiving nature was what had drawn them together in the first place.

"Have you really given me any option to see something different?" Subaru retorted, his tone still slightly harsh though calmer than it had been.

"Have you stopped to think of everything Sei-chan did for you?" Hokuto asked with a hint of frustration in her voice.

Subaru paused, taken off guard by the question. It wasn't something he had considered before; the negative was always easier to remember than the positive. And yet there was Hokuto, his only sister, trying to get him to look past the pain he had held close for so long...to see the positive that he had refused to acknowledge.

_ 'What has Seishirou-san done for me?' _ Subaru thought, _'He gave me...anger... heartbreak... loneliness... and bitterness.' _ The list was much longer, but Subaru paused as he realized how different he was from the boy he had been. And not all of those things were harmful.

Seishirou had also given him...

_ Ambition_

_Strength_

_Hope_

_Love? _

_'Yes, someone to love...even if it wasn't returned,' _ he reasoned within his own warring emotions.

As that realization crossed his gaze, his sister smiled. It was the first sign of the brother she knew was still in there. She placed her hands on his shoulders and looked at him with her intense gaze of emerald green, "What happened to my brother, who trusted and always believed in the good of everyone?"

Subaru couldn't face that gaze, and broke the stare, "That person is long gone Hokuto-chan." Hokuto simply shook her head at his response.

"I don't think he is as far away as you think, Subaru-kun," Seishirou responded before Hokuto had the chance to voice that same thought.

"I agree with Sei-chan. If you think that's true you're just lying to yourself," she replied with amusement apparent in her voice; it sounded more like a joke than an accusation. Cupping the side of his face, she turned his gaze back toward her, trying to make her sincerity as apparent as his emotions had always been.

"You never could lie, not even to yourself; it always reads right in your eyes."

Letting her hand drop so she could grab both of his hands, she cradled them in her own, leaning over to whisper into his ear, "Subaru, what is it that you truly wanted from Sei-chan?" He looked at his sister, incredulously at a loss for words.

Subaru has never stopped to consider that question either. He had always been fixed on the past...and yet, his sister was right here before him, asking him to let go of those defenses. _'Asking what, deep down, I've spent nine years avoiding,' _ he realized.

_I wanted to be able to understand him like he did me._

_I wanted to know who he really is..._

_The true nature of the person who I..._

_Love... _

"Are you sure that you don't already have it?" she winked at him then, as if she already knew what had been in his heart all along, forced to hide in the shadows for nearly a decade.

_But if that is true...it is already too late... _

"I've already yelled at Sei-chan for what he did, so you can make up now," Hokuto spoke up, subtly changing the subject. She looked thoughtfully at Seishirou as she did so.

Subaru smiled softly and shook his head at his sister as she looked back toward him with a grin. As positive as she had always been, she was trying to lead him out of his melancholy, like she had every time before as they were growing up.

Acting as if forgiveness was a simple thing.

_Could it really be as simple as that? _

He glanced at the older man, seeing a thoughtful expression gracing the man's own features. From the looks of it, Subaru wasn't the only one affected by Hokuto's mischievous and intuitive ways. Hokuto had that intrinsic nature to always seek out the heart of a matter, especially in the hearts of those who she knew the most. How she could have that effect on people, Subaru had always guessed at.

Yet, wasn't it already too late for forgiveness?

She let go of Subaru's hands and hugged him once again, "Just because I'm not around doesn't mean that I'm not with you, Subaru."

_So please learn to love those who you still have in your life..., _ was the silent plea in her eyes.

As she released him from her hug, she held his face once again cupped in her palms, looking straight into the green windows of his soul. "You'll think about what I said, right?" She smiled deviously then, spinning around him to give him a forceful push toward Seishirou with a wink.

As another form started to coalesce into the dreamscape, she giggled and danced away from a startled Subaru. Seishirou inclined his head towards the man clad in white with pale hair in familiar acknowledgement. Hokuto stepped over to him and grabbed Kakyou's right arm in both of hers and looked up at him smiling sweetly.

"Thanks Kakyou! Will you help me with something else?" He smiled back at his beloved, his expression answering in a way that words could not describe; one that said, _anything as long as it is with you_.

"Well then, that settles it! We're going to go crash another dreamscape," she said cheerfully, as if they hadn't spent all that time trying to mend a near decade worth of heart wrenching pain, "There's someone else's love life that I'm going to go fix right now. Besides, I'm sure you two having plenty of catching up to do."

She smiled widely, waving as she and Kakyou faded out, and they heard her faintly call out, "Mata ne!" The two men watched as they faded out completely, leaving behind a void so quiet you could hear a pin drop. If it was possible for the silence to be deeper than before, this was it.

The quiet stretched out between the two onmyouji, the finality of it weighing down on them like a leaden weight. Subaru looked anywhere but at Seishirou, for fear of what he would see in the opposite gaze. Seishirou, however, was quite intent on staring at Subaru through the barrier of his sunglasses.

_As if gauging what Subaru would do... _

Clearing his throat, which felt dry to the Sumeragi even though it was a dreamscape, he broke the silence. To take a leap of faith that he had never allowed himself to consider before this. After a last moment of hesitation he spoke, "I thought I'd never be able to ask for answers..." He shot a quick glance toward Seishirou, but could not bring himself to meet that level gaze.

Seishirou continued waiting patiently for Subaru to put his thoughts into order, intently gazing at him and not hiding the fact that the younger onmyouji had his full attention.

"Why, Seishirou-san?" the younger onmyouji asked dejectedly after a moment, as if the answer to such a vague question could be easily given in an instant.

"Subaru-kun, I could give you any number of answers, but I doubt you would accept my reasoning," Seishirou replied, eloquently shrugging the obvious importance of the question off, like he had always done before. Subaru was tired of that game of indifference.

He set his jaw in anger, closing the short distance between the two. Though he know it was hard to be intimidating to someone as nonchalant as his opposite, Subaru reached out and grabbed the lapel of Seishirou's jacket in a death grip and stared up at the man, trying keeping his resolve.

He balled his free hand into a fist, wanting a physical outlet for the frustration and confusion that was driving him. Subaru's thoughts came out all at once, a jumble of questions voiced with no expectation for answers. "Why did you make that bet? Why did you kill Hokuto? Why did you break my heart? Why didn't you kill me?" With every question, he hit Seishirou a little harder across the chest with his fist, though it wasn't meant to cause any serious injury; it was like a physical punctuation that emphasized his own pains inherent in those questions.

"WHY DID YOU DO ANY OF THIS?" Subaru yelled at him.

And Seishirou took it all silently and unmoving, letting his opposite wear himself out until those chaotic emotions calmed. Which didn't take long...

The Sumeragi, near to tears from releasing those pent up feelings and doubts, collapsed in on himself a little, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Seishirou's chest, his forearms to either side concealing his face from view.

_ Why did you want to die?  
Why did you give me your eye?  
Why did I take it?_

_Why did I become the Sakurazukamori? _

"Why did you affect my life so much?" he said quietly, almost to himself as the anger drained out of him.

It wasn't really a question for Seishirou at all. It was a simple realization that Subaru hardly knew a life without Seishirou. He felt more than heard the sigh that came from above his head, ruffling his hair lightly.

Seishirou's reply was calm as ever, yet there was a contemplative lilt to it as he said, "It was something unsuspectingly decided for both of us that day we first met."

Subaru looked up from the protective shield of his arms at Seishirou in surprise.

_ Did I hear what I thought I heard Seishirou-san say?  
Did he say that I affected him as well?  
Or is that what I want to hear... _

Seishirou suddenly chuckled, neither the over-exuberant or cold ones that Subaru knew, but more out of resignation. "I had thought of our bet as a game. Emotions were considered a frivolous distraction to the Sakurazukamori. I never expected anything of it."

Looking hurt from the statement, Subaru started to draw away with the stubborn expression of someone who wouldn't let himself be hurt again. "Don't misunderstand me, Subaru-kun. From a young age I was trained for this; instructed to block out anything non-essential to my duties. I believed that I had no emotions at all, and executed my role with no regrets."

Uncertainty and confusion swirling in those still expressive eyes, Subaru frowned as he interrupted, "Then why even bother? Why do something that you knew was futile?"

Seishirou got a far away look in his eyes, his voice falling as he pulled back the memory, "My mother insisted that she loved me as she was dying in my arms...despite the fact that I was the one who killed her."

Subaru looked at him in disbelief, whether from his honest explanation of her death or that she loved him, Seishirou did not know. He was sure the scene that was painted in Subaru's mind was not as elegant as how he himself remembered his first kill and the death of his predecessor. _She was happy for that day, Subaru-kun... _

"I didn't understand it at the time. I had never felt 'love' before, though I had been fond of her," Seishirou continued, shrugging at his own actions. "A mild curiosity compelled me to know what made someone 'love' another."

Shaking his head, Subaru stepped back letting his arms fall away from Seishirou. "But I _lost_, Seishirou-san. You..." he trailed off.

Seishirou quirked an eyebrow up in response. And it was finally apparent that after all this time, Subaru still hadn't realized what it all meant.

"Did you?" was Seishirou's simple reply, watching as the realization struck home and sent tumultuous emotions coursing across the younger onmyouji's eyes. Those eyes had never lost their flair of expression, even if Subaru had tried to hide it. He continued, "I failed to kill my designated prey." Yet Subaru waited, hardly breathing, for the reason _why_ he didn't do what he had said he would.

Subaru could feel Seishirou's piercing gaze from beyond those tinted shades; that gaze far stronger than any physical binding. A gaze that was both intimidating and exhilarating.

A gaze that wouldn't let Subaru look away.

"In reality, during those nine years I realized that the loss of the bet was mine," Seishirou said, watching the emotions collide within that gaze. Yet, his own gaze was still veiled beneath protective glass, free from the same scrutiny. _Safe_.

Subaru wanted to say something, but he kept freezing on the words before they became sound. Seishirou was being earnest for the first time; Subaru wanted to believe that there was no deception; that this was everything he had wished for, despite knowing that reality and fantasy were two polar opposites. He wanted to believe this moment like nothing he had ever believed before.

_This last moment in time where lies could be left behind..._

_And perhaps forgiveness could be found after all... _

Seishirou rested his palms on Subaru shoulders, as he looked down at the younger onmyouji, "I was unable to escape my destiny, as much as you were not able to escape your own destiny as Sumeragi clan head."

He leaned in closer to Subaru, his voice barely above a whisper, "However, because of our duties, it was necessary for _us_ to change...even if the bet's outcome was in your favor. I realized too late what that decision had cost."

"You should hate me, Subaru-kun," he said, with a definite finality to the statement.

Though he was all but calm, and his heart was hammering so hard that he was surprised Seishirou had not noticed, Subaru simply shook his head and replied in a steady voice, "Should I? Probably. _Do_ I?"

He took a deep calming breath and answered truthfully, "No."

_ 'Finally, after everything...I said it..' _, Subaru thought, the weight over his heart finally lightening enough for him to breathe, _ 'I accepted it...' _

Seishirou fell silent, still close enough that Subaru could feel the older man's breath dance across his skin. After a while, Subaru broke their silence with a noise that suspiciously sounded like a laugh, a small smile beginning to play at the edge of his mouth. "You know... you didn't dodge the question," he responded softly, surprised that the statement replaced the unsettled feeling in his heart with a warm flutter that he had long forgotten the feeling of. "For the first time, you actually gave me an answer."

Seishirou didn't reply in words, simply nodding more out of acknowledgment than indifference.

"And I believe you," he continued. With a slight hesitation, Subaru reached up to remove the sunglasses from Seishirou's face, and the older man did nothing to stop him.

Revealing the opal and honey, Subaru stared intently into that mismatched gaze. Though Subaru now possessed Seishirou's left eye, the older onmyouji appeared as he had before Rainbow Bridge, of how Subaru would always remember him; bearing the scar of his sacrifice to protect Subaru.

Seishirou caught his hand as he drew them away, the sunglasses frozen between them, not longer hiding anything behind their reflective surface. The longer they held each other's gaze, the more Subaru noticed that Seishirou had only concealed those emotions, but they did exist. The Sumeragi had just been too timid or too angry to search for them. And for the first time, Seishirou allowed his gaze to be unguarded.

_And what he read there was_

_The answer to what they had both known all along. _

Subaru, for the first time in nine long years, genuinely smiled. Seishirou couldn't hide anymore, and neither could Subaru. That gaze gave credence to the dreams that each had had all along; Subaru to accept his love and Seishirou to be found loveable as who he was.

_We do understand one another._

_More than either of us really realized._

_We both wanted acceptance._

_Yet we were both too stubborn to ask for it. _

Hesitantly, he reached up, his hand brushing along side Seishirou's neck, and drew the older man down until their lips touched; a simple and chaste kiss, belying the innocence that Subaru still held within after all of these years. Yet, there was still a fierce passion behind it. He saw Seishirou's surprised expression before his eyes drifted closed.

And yet, this would be the only moment they would be able to enjoy their revelation. A tear broke loose and trailed down Subaru's cheek, falling to soak into the soft cloth of Seishirou's lapel. As they parted, Subaru buried his face into the cloth at Seishirou's chest, letting his tears soak into the cloth to join the first, not wanting Seishirou to see his sorrow.

Not that the older man needed to see it to know it was there. He sighed, an action that Subaru felt more than heard, as Seishirou said, "We can not gain back lost time, Subaru-kun."

Muffled against Seishirou's chest, as he refused to lift his head, Subaru replied sadly, "I have nothing left to live for. I would rather stay here than..."

Seishirou brushed on the younger man's hair, causing him to look up slightly. Caressing his cheek with a thumb, Seishirou looked pointedly at Subaru and said, "I've been selfish with your life for long enough. You do have things to live for...you've just forgotten them within your pain."

Logic, always logic...and yet it was something that Subaru couldn't refute even though his emotions told him he should. That was one thing that had never changed about Seishirou...he had always told Subaru what he _needed_ to hear, even if it wasn't what he _wanted_ to hear.

Seishirou tilted his chin up, and though Subaru's face showed his upset, Seishirou continued, "You need to start living for yourself again."

Subaru started again, haltingly trying to voice what he heart had wanted to ask since that day, "Seishirou-san...then what you said back then...was it the truth?" His gaze pierced into Seishirou's own, yearning for that answer like nothing else mattered.

Seishirou sighed lightly, "It was the truth." Subaru smiled lightly, with an expression of genuine contentment, even more so than he had as a teenager.

"Could you...say it one more time...?" the younger onmyouji asked.

Seishirou leaned in close and whispered into his ear, as he had that day on the bridge, "Boku ha kimi wo hanashite..." (I'm letting you go...)

It was a truth that was painful in some ways. Seishirou telling him that he was free from those bonds that had held them for so long, even if it was too late to change their fate. It was no longer an elaborate game of tactics and supremacy to be played; they were both free to see each other as who they were deep down without the defenses the years had built.

"Thank you," Subaru said, his smile flickering wider briefly before Seishirou closed the distance and kissed him once more. He crushed himself to Seishirou as close as he could, feeling Seishirou's heartbeat strong against his own. Here, within this moment, Seishirou was as much alive as Subaru could hope and before the moment could fade...

Passion heightened, and they were thrown into wild abandon as Seishirou deepened the kiss, exploring the contours of Subaru's mouth. And Subaru responded just as fervently, his arms wrapping around Seishirou's shoulders, drawing him in closer as Seishirou did likewise.

A moment or a millennium, it was unclear how long they stayed that way, taking in each other's presence. As they finally parted to draw in their breath, Subaru threw his arms completely around Seishirou's shoulders and neck in a fierce embrace as if he would never loosen that hold.

He whispered softly, "I've meant to say this for a long time, but I never let myself..." His grip tightened at Seishirou's neck, as he let go of that final defense.

"Seishirou-san, I love you...I always have."

_To forgive had been easy after all...just like Hokuto had insisted. _

And in return a whisper close near his ear, meant just for the two of them as if it was the world's biggest secret, "Boku mo...ashiteiru."

His heart hurt, certainly...but surprisingly it a hopeful ache this time. One that would in turn leave a mark on his heart, but unlike the emotional scars he carried all this time, it was a wound that would heal over time.

There was a subtle crack in the dreamscape, a shifting of his subconscious, as if their answers alone finally gave him a will to live again. He knew he would live on for both of their sakes, as he had decided when he took Seishirou's eye and fate.

His conscious mind was already drawing him back to reality; to where he belonged until it was the proper time to join his sister and Seishirou. He turned his head as Seishirou shifted to catch his lips once more in another fleeting kiss.

And there they stayed until all had faded to black.

* * *

Subaru opened his eyes to a white tiled hospital ceiling, a tear trailing its way down the side of his face.

_Yet forgiving you means that I won't be able to let you go, Seishirou-san..._

_Ashite yamerarenai kara... (Because I can't stop loving you) _

---------------------------------------

**Author's Note:** Poor Subaru...I can't even let him be happy even with a confession. It's his lot in life I guess. This was a story based from ideas I had in my head a decade ago and I'm still pursuing what I wanted to capture from how I felt at the time.

Despite there being a LARGE time gap between chapters, I hope that I didn't disappoint and that it lived up to expectations. For those that still remember this fic exists, thanks for enjoying it...and for all of those new readers, I hope you enjoyed it from the beginning!


End file.
